January 2011
35 posts
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The Ending To a Superhero Novel That I Have No...
“I have something to tell you,” I said. I now have Jacob’s attention. There were several things I wanted to share. Like how I teleported off the street, away from a car that was about to hit me. How I tested my abilities at a downtown cemetary, accidentally tarnishing a tombstone with an orb of fire that floated from my palm. How I found another man with similarly destructive...
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A Woman (?) Rides In On A Motorcycle, Blasting...
Filling ten dollars
worth of fuel into this Ford
never felt so long.
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The Kind of Poem I Would Write After Consuming a...
There would be no poem. I would be dead. That would be a shame. There’s rich poetry in being a casualty of cranberry lemonade flavored inhumanity. I only hope my story would be more eloquent than this, this, this, or, God help us all, BeeBop’s story.
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Running Out Of Things to Say When Trying to...
Dogtooth, now an Academy Award nominated film from Greece, is out on DVD. Your significant other’s eyes will widen as you discuss the sociologically damaging effects of keeping one’s children from watching Jaws and Flashdance.
Other things happen, as well. Horrible, horrible things. Warning: Soon after you talk to your significant other about this film, he might call you later and...
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Ways In Which Miranda Lambert Is My Road Dog From...
-We’re blonde and we hurt, in that order.
-Sometimes we don’t have favorable views of men, or women.
-We look to cast members of The Room for company.
-Some people would like us if we weren’t so loud. Too bad.
-We end up at festivals with people who are nothing like us. We are fine with that.
-Blake Shelton wants to marry us.
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“I love the homosexuality people.”
– Charles Barkley
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Ways In Which Nicki Minaj Is My Road Dog From a...
-We wear articles of clothing that, 25 years from now, will make us look back on photos and say to ourselves, “Those were some great days. What the fuck was I wearing?”
-We give unexpected smiles, drawing affection from cinematographers.
-We both get paid to impersonate fictional characters through exaggerated vocal spasms that make people, A) Want to sing and dance along with our...
To The Man Who Called Me At 3:45 a.m.
Thank you, for the effort to help find my phone, which of course was in the pocket of yesterday’s pants.
Also, there are days where I want to leave the financially and socially responsible civilization I’ve built for myself, fly across the country, lay you down on your back and show you what kind of man you deserve.
Get home safe.
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To Those Who Will Wait (Patiently or Otherwise)...
I hope you win any bets that you probably deserve to lose.
In related news, High Contrast is for lovemaking of the intellectual variety. If, of course, that’s your kind of thing.
...
Ever had kaleidoscopic images of Michael Jackson’s 2003 mug shot dance along the inner walls of your eyelids while trying to sleep?
It’s going to be that kind of week.
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meritdemerit:
062 by Taylor
The Beach Boys -...
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I'm Too Sick To Call Someone and Say This, So I'm...
“They criticized her for not saying anything. Now they’ll [sic] criticizing her for saying something.” -Michelle Malkin
I don’t know about anyone else, but I was quite content when she said nothing.
If she doesn’t say anything on any given day, it is usually a good day.
But seriously, a few questions:
Was she insensitive when she wrote, “Don’t retreat,...
Here is Something Nice That Happened in the United...
On a cold Saturday evening, at a Tuesday Morning parking lot, a tall, elderly couple, a man and a woman, speaking softly, holding hands.
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A Stranger 329 Miles Away Sends Me a List of Songs...
The list:
toro y moi: still sound deerhunter: helicopter broken social scene: i’m still your fag animal collective: banshee beat antibalas afrobeat orchestra: si se puede devendra banhart: hey mama wolf the dodos: red and purple elliot smith: needle in the hay my bloody valentine: sometimes the flaming lips: vein of stars erykah badu: window seat joanna newsom: bridges and balloons nina...
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How to Feel Like An Economy-Sized Bag of Loser at...
Dear soft-spoken acquaintance, I did not want you to select the blue bag. I was excited about the blue bag earlier that day. They’ll get a real kick out of this, I thought as I browsed the used aisle of my local record store. They’ll be fighting for these all night! They might even try to exchange these for the Play-Doh or whoopi cushion or muscle magazines that someone else will...
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Ryan Willis Has a Point, America
Someone is thriving off your inability to live within means.
WatchThe Conditions Under Which I Will Watch Road Rules Australia on YouTube
Soft palate coated with green tea Canada Dry, car coated with snow.
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Future Installments of the Video Game Halo
Halo: Bionic
Halo: Stripped
Halo: Back to Basics
Halo: Mi Reflejo
Halo: My Kind of Christmas
Halo: Burlesque Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
holodeck3 asked: Do I know you?
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Life Goals That Are Also News Headlines From Media...
Get photographed at a Nuggets game, looking cute and elegant.
Get photographed in Uruguay, looking like I’m in heaven. Get photographed walking the streets of New York, wearing some interesting pants. Get photographed leaving the gym, looking extra thick, especially in the nether region. Get photographed at an Australian restaurant, eating a salad. Get photographed out with my jumpoff....
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Career Goals That Are Also 2011 Pitchfork News...
Create music for solar system iPad app, score Jude Law short film.
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Song of South Charlotte
“You look so fucking gay!” It was a man’s voice in the back seat. A woman’s voice in the front. Shades covered faces I could barely see. They drove away as quickly as they drove up. I was alone, my car in the shop across the street, walking to my family’s home of 20 years. Ever seen that scene on Six Feet Under, where Vanessa confronts the woman who slept with her husband, Rico? Vanessa and...
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Dateline, San Jose: Part 1
Francisco said he would come.
“Oh, do not worry, Jon,” he said, with the thickest accent that Latin America could breed. “For you, I will bring my van up. You can trust me. I will be here at 10:30.” It is 10:30. I look over the hills. Sparse fireworks over scattered lights. I go into the break room. Bullfighting is huge this time of year. On TV tonight, a circle of men, for reasons...
