Thank you for being a good samaritan. Please know we are here whenever you need us.
Finally heard it, so…
If the first two albums sounded like songs that Michael Jackson declined (not to say they were bad), this one sounds like songs that D’Angelo declined (also not bad, though there will no doubt be a few disappointed girls at heart who were hoping for some more “Sexyback”).
I lost patience by the 9th song. I don’t have a problem with long songs (Erykah Badu’s 10-minute “Green Eyes” is one of my favorites) but I know the difference between telling a story and just showing off.
“Tunnel Vision” is pretty next level. The rest is better suited for the 9th inning of an in-house date. Just keep the volume down, bros.
To me, Roger Ebert was the only film critic who mattered. He was also one of my all-time favorite writers.
While his reviews of great movies were compelling, you’ll need to find his reviews of bad movies to discover his true power. That guy could hate a movie. Consider:
I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003 version)
Do yourself a favor. There are a lot of good movies playing right now that can make you feel a little happier, smarter, sexier, funnier, more excited — or more scared, if that’s what you want.
The Human Centipede 2 (FULL SEQUENCE)
I submit to you that if this man spends his waking moments looking at the first Human Centipede movie over and over and over again, and wants to make his own version by connecting as many as 12 people, he is four tires short of a car.
Diary of a Mad Black Woman
She [Madea] seems like an invasion from another movie. A very bad another movie. I’ve been reviewing movies for a long time, and I can’t think of one that more dramatically shoots itself in the foot.
Freddy Got Fingered
Gord rips the baby from her womb and, when it appears to be dead, brings it to life by swinging it around his head by its umbilical cord, spraying the walls with blood. If you wanted that to be a surprise, then I’m sorry I spoiled it for you.
Words fail me as I try to describe my thoughts at the prospect of the five Spice Girls shouting “push!’
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder
The movie is a barfathon that takes full advantage of the apparent MPAA guidelines in which you can do pretty much anything with bodily functions except involve them in healthy sex.
Little Indian, Big City
There is a movie called “Fargo” playing right now. It is a masterpiece. Go see it. If you, under any circumstances, see “Little Indian,Big City,” I will never let you read one of my reviews again.
You watch in puzzlement: How did this train wreck happen? How was this movie assembled out of such ill-fitting pieces? Who thought it was funny? Who thought it was finished? For that matter, was it finished?
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
There is a scene in this film where a character is defecated on by several people at the same time, and I dunno … I didn’t enjoy it.
UK fans put Dido in the top five and what a controversial (though admittedly good) top pick.